Another Failed Attempt

If you are like the majority of families with tweens and teens, you know the feeling of coming up with a new system to manage screen time only to have it fail within weeks or days. We are parenting a generation that is growing up with world-changing technology that we did not have when we were kids. Intuitive tech devices are easy to use and are everywhere we go. There is no example from previous generations of how to best bring our children up in this environment, but the picture is beginning to come into focus as we put research together with experiences of those around us. Andy Crouch, the author of The Tech-Wise Family, has his young adult daughter write the forward for his book. What she writes is a first-hand testimony of the gift we give our kids when we are intentional with boundaries on devices. She writes –

“Technology promises that it can provide wonder. Take a picture with the proper filters and you’ll be awestruck—it will look better than real life! But this promise is deceptive. My iphone’s wonder generators, from Instagram to Temple Run, turn out to be only distractions from the things that really spark wonder. Thanks to tech-wise-parenting, I’ve discovered a world out there that is better than anything technology can offer—as close as our front lawn.”

 If you are like me, it is easy to feel like you have not done enough to protect this type of wonder in the lives of your kids, but we need to remember not to use realizations like this to shame ourselves. Wherever each of us can begin to pull our young adults with us while we recapture our own sense of wonder will go a long way to show them its value. When we feel that it may be too late since our kids are teens and technology is already intertwined with seemingly every area of their lives. This is not cause for giving up. Our teens watch us, and our patterns of life, so the first place to work this out is in your own rhythms. Once you set out in this direction and you invite your teen to join you in bringing the wonder of creating and nature back into your life, you might be surprised how ready they are to join you! Don’t underestimate the power of your influence just because it looks different now than it did when they were younger. I would love to encourage you and help determine your next steps as you make this shift in your home. Let’s get started!

They Will Never Be Enough & That’s Ok

Whether it Is conscious or unconscious, we often think of our children as if they will complete us. Do you ever feel a nagging sense of disappointment when your son or daughter does not want to do the music lessons, soccer team, or honor society? We want so badly for our kids to be motivated to do all the things…grades, student government, sports & thrive at being social. Could some of our striving as parents come from a place of needing to measure up to the  parenting gold standard? If so, how does this play out for our kids?

 If we have an underlying feeling of dissatisfaction toward our kids, they will hear the message loud and clear. Teens are especially good at picking up on this. Sometimes, in order to place our kids on a ‘successful’ path, we take on the role of orchestrating their life for them. This is expected when they are little, but as they grow, it is important for them to feel more and more in control of the path they will take. When we hold on to control of their decisions and time, we end up setting our teens up for failure since they have not had to navigate It throughout childhood.

 There is actually freedom from the weight of striving to find the perfect path as a parent when we realize that our kids will never be enough, and likewise, we will never be enough to fill their needs. I am so grateful to have realized this truth years ago when my kids were young, in part through writers such as Elyse M. Fitzpatrick (her book Give Them Grace Is great for any parent). The only place I have found this freedom and rest is in the message of the gospel. Since I know that all people are flawed, and do not measure up (Romans 3:23) to his standard, I know that my kids will not be able to provide redemption or ultimate fulfillment for me. When Jesus lived a perfect life and went to the cross in my place I received the free gift of grace for all my shortcomings. When I look at my teens through this filter, I am able to extend that grace to them in their shortcomings.

 Yes, my kids will let me down, and I will let them down, but It Is so freeing to kill that ultimate need for parenting success with the grace Jesus has given me. This allows me to look at my teens and enjoy them in all their messiness as they struggle to figure out life. Does this mean the parenting journey will not involve pain? No, it still hurts deeply when they make decisions that go against our desires for them. In the end, my love for them can still be communicated throughout their stumbling, and they are free to fail while I take my pain and concerns to God In prayer. The next time your teen lets you down (they will), ask God to help you to reflect his love for them instead of letting it define your success as a parent.

If It Works, Why Stop?

Our family is a dog family. Over the years we have slowly been trained to keep our food away from the edge of the counters in the kitchen. I know, we are supposed to train the dog, not the other way around. One thing I have noticed about the behavior of our dogs is that they can be almost completely trained out of the the habit of checking counters for food, but one accidental food discovery will start the whole process over again. If the dog repeatedly finds that there is no food left on the counter, he will stop looking. As soon as the hunt is successful, there will be obsessive checking of the counter for food. The interesting part is that when the searching turns up unsuccessful, the hunting will eventually stop. There is a parallel here with teens who seem to be hunting for an argument. 

If you are raising teens, you most likely have one or more in the house who will go through a stage of picking arguments. While this stage is a part of adolescent brain development, I have a hunch that it presents itself differently based on the personality of the teen. Signs of this stage include things like throwing topics out into conversation with a bold claim attached to it, an insult that came out of nowhere, or constant rebuttals to comments made by others. There are various reasons that explain why this behavior intensifies during the adolescent years. One thing I have noticed when these moods strike is that if the desire to argue is not fed, they most likely will stop ‘hunting’ for it in that situation. 

Similar to our dogs, when a teen repeatedly finds that their behavior does not lead to gratification, they will cease to try (as often). The challenging part for the family is to resist the urge to jump into a debate or argue in response to their challenge or insult. Some teens are SO good at knowing what buttons to push! When faced with a challenge to your core beliefs or a disrespectful comment, it can be so hard to remain calm and not give it attention, but it could be the key to decreasing the behavior you are seeing. If you find yourself in this cycle with your teen this week, try to quit taking the argument bait. 

For coaching through this and other cycles we fall into with our teens, contact me to schedule a session today!