Finding Joy During the Teen Years

We are living in serious times, at least as far as my generation has experienced. As families raise teens and young adults right now, it can be difficult to avoid getting bogged down and discouraged as a parent. There is so much that makes healthy family life just out of reach in our culture, but when you began on the journey of family, you had high hopes none-the-less. So many of the cultural messages all around us from movies, entertainers, social media, and people we interact with, can all contradict what we had hoped for to strengthen families. Even so, it will not help those who we call family if we find ourselves discouraged, unable to lead and void of whimsy. 

How can we find joy when arguments become a common occurrence with our growing kids, or boundaries we set are disregarded once again. The cycle of heaviness comes back around over and over, leaving us less joyful than before. I have felt it during the last year, as abilities to see eye to eye with our teens have been put to the test. I have found myself thinking “dang, why is everything so serious all the time?” It seems that every family I know has been touched in this way throughout the year. But I have also discovered that there is joy to be found…especially during these times, and it has to do with where our focus is.

One way to get joy back in our perspective is to zoom out and take a look at the bigger picture. You know how everyone tells you when you have a new baby, to enjoy it because it goes fast? You look at them through your sleep deprivation and wonder how the next eighteen years is going to go fast, but somehow it does. Once our kids are in their teens, the years left under our roof are short and will go fast. These young humans have been raised by you, will carry your name, and are about to head out into the world. Another mental shift we can do is keep in mind that while family is designed by God to show us a glimpse of the kingdom of heaven on earth, it is not exactly heavenly yet. Our expectations of having a perfect family may need to come down a few notches in order to not constantly dwell in disappointment. An earthly family is not capable of supporting all of our hopes and desires, it will fail us. The story of your family with all of its ups and downs is beautiful, and should not be idealized or demonized, but looked at as a blessing, a blessing that shapes us and causes us to grow.

To stop and notice the ways in which your family has blessed you, even though there has been pain, allows us to experience love in many ways that we would not have otherwise known. Practice asking God to be with your family, and then let go and let his grace fill in where you give up that control. When we have given up control, we can look at family from a different perspective, one that can experience joy again. Our interactions become lighter, we smile more, and we find ourselves actually enjoying the ride.

 “When I see you again, you’ll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you.” -Jesus (John 16:22MSG)

A Beautiful Mess

“What made you feel stressed this week?”

This could be a good starter question for opening up a conversation with your teen. We can tend to forget that there is usually a lot going on just under the surface in the life of our teen (if you are the parent of a teen that talks less, texting may work better).

From the time I was 20, up to now in my 40’s, I have volunteered with teens in youth ministry. I have always been drawn to their crazy and often messy world, and have wanted to be something solid for them during those years. Teens today often look more put together and savvy than I did at 25, so it can be really easy to think that they have it all figured out. I have always loved the experience of taking kids to camp and being away from their normal environment, where they are able to dig down into themselves and talk about what they are experiencing in life. It has been the rare occasions like camp where I see young people let down their guard and get honest about how they are doing. This is where the mess gets brought to the surface, and out of it comes some of the most beautiful moments I have experienced. When the setting is safe, and teens know they will be met with grace, they will share.

Now that I have my own teens, I realize how much more difficult it is to have these moments between parent and child. I guess it may be the light we already see each other in that makes it hard to have a fresh view. But in this struggle, parents need to push through and display grace toward their teen, for when a young person knows they will be met with acceptance, they will let you see some of their mess. What is even more challenging, is for the parent to let their teen see some of their mess. Now I wouldn’t go crazy with this, but most of us parents err on the side of maintaining an appearance of having things figured out. As they grow, it is ok to let them in on some of your past mistakes (or current ones) and let them know about a regret that you have. Then you will become more human to them, and that will take your relationship to a place of open sharing. 

Teens right now have a very stressful reality. For the majority of teens, it is like they are marketing themselves starting at about 12 years old. By this I mean establishing a social media story, and this story needs to look impressive. Posting pieces of their lives and their experiences have become so second nature, that they actually feel worry if they have to be away from it for a few days. “What will happen to all of my followers?” Even if you have worked to maintain a healthy balance with your child between real life and the online world, they probably still experience stress at some level about how they are presenting themselves in their world. For many, this feeling of anxiety has been heightened throughout the last year of limited social contact. When face to face interaction goes down and virtual interaction goes up, it does not lead to confidence, but just the opposite.

Here are a few questions you can ask your teen when the setting is right, that may help set an atmosphere of grace.

• Do you feel that you can be open with me about things that are going on in your life?
• Am I helpful when you do let me know how you are doing, or am I critical?

                        (resist the urge to get defensive!)

• How can I be there for you when you are feeling stressed? 

When they do share their mess with you, relate to them, and walk to the foot of the cross together. That will create an atmosphere of grace in your home.

A Resource I Wish I Had…

Sometime in the last year I came across a book called Mama Bear Apologetics, by Hillary Morgan Ferrer. The title intrigued me, so I proceeded to check it out. I have since purchased it and find it to be a resource that I refer back to often. This type of book that speaks to the average Christian mom while at the same time, breaking issues we are currently facing from a rich theological perspective, is hard to find. Since my kids are all either at ages where they seek out their own information, or are moving into those years, I really wish I had this book on my shelf back when they were little. Hindsight is 20/20, but I am beginning to see now where the holes are in how we have passed our faith on to our kids. One quote from the book that better explains the vision we need to have for our children as they grow up in a home of faith states, “It isn’t enough for our kids to hear us talk about the truth; they must understand how we are to live the truth” (Ferrer, 2019, p.17). Many times we can spoon feed our kids Bible truths or elements of our faith without teaching them to dig deeper and think through the ‘why’.

The author does a great job of compiling various topics that our families will no doubtedly navigate in the culture we live in. As I see the flood of half truths and lies that are spun in attractive ways through social media, and how the messages can slowly cause young people to change course, the importance of teaching critical thinking becomes clear. The book talks about teaching our kids to ‘chew & spit’ when it comes to information they take in. As they learn this, they learn to take an accurate look at things, identify what is good in it as well as what is bad. Given that they also have a Biblical foundation, kids can correctly identify good and bad or right and wrong through the lens of scripture. A couple other topics in the book that I found to be very helpful include linguistic theft, referring to words that have had their definitions changed in order to be used as propaganda; and great chapters on relativism and pluralism. One common scenario that is discussed in the chapter on moral relativism is the idea that “if absolute truth can’t be known and all we can do is ‘live our truth,’ then we must figure out a way to get along when our truths inevitably conflict (because they will!)” (Ferrer, 2019, p.150). This helps our young people to see the hang-up with the absence of absolute truth.

I am holding onto the reassurance that it is never too late to learn new insights as a parent, and we are discussing some of these topics around our dinner table. This last year has been especially eye opening for us as well as many families we know, as to just how much our teens have already taken in ideas that contradict many of our values. As a parent of teens it is important to maintain a curious and open posture when discussing these issues. If you are able to keep the dialogue going, it can allow you to explain the reasons for the values that you hold to, but more than anything I am trusting the power of prayer for my teens as they move toward adulthood!

 If you could use support in the area of creating a plan of spiritual growth in your family, contact me for a free inroductory phone or zoom session! 

Mama Bear Apologetics (2019). Hillary Morgan Ferrer. Harvest House Publishers.

Why Coach Parents?

Why would someone want to coach parents? Hi, I’m Carrie, and here are some thoughts on why I would want to coach parents. I have been at this adventure of parenting for almost 20 years now (if you count pregnancy), and I still have not arrived as a parent. If I were reading this, I may think that would be a funny way to introduce yourself as a parent coach. Doesn’t the word coach imply that I am at least somewhat enlightened and can show the way to become a ‘successful’ parent? Well…what I have to offer parents is not the formula to becoming a successful parent, it is a helping hand as you get back on course building a relationship with the young adult you are raising.

As someone who follows Jesus, grace has been one of my favorite themes in life. With my personality, I think I naturally gravitate toward grace, but I know the concept can be challenging for many people. I have always loved to introduce people to life-changing grace. As one moves through the stages of parenting, surrounded by a community of other parents, comparison is everywhere. When you have kids though, you learn real quick that they are all unique, respond differently to your parenting style, and they will not be controlled. Then when the teen years come and some stuff hits the fan, you start to second guess your parenting, or regret not doing some things.

Did we have enough fun outings? Did I teach them healthy eating habits? Am I a pushover? Did I push them away? Did we read the Bible enough? Are they ready for LIFE?

I look at fellow parents of teens, and I want to give them a hug and say ‘you are the one for the job!’. I desire for parents to be able to live in the grace that I try to lean into myself, because honestly, non of us have arrived, nor will we ever be perfect parents. But we are the parents God chose for the teens in our home, and he will equip us to lead them into adult life.

Here are some questions I would ask you as your coach –

>What do you want your relationship with your son or daughter to be like when they are 25?

>What fears could be affecting your parenting?

>What is the argument that keeps happening with your son or daughter?

>What can you quit doing (that bugs your teen) today?

>What is a habit you can start today that will positively connect you with your teen?

>How can I offer grace to my teen today?

>What unhealthy expectation can you let go of today?

This is just a taste of the many questions we can discuss in order to intentionally seek growth between you and your teen. In order to look at these questions honestly, grace is required, both for yourself and for the teen in your home. It seems that when we come to the place of giving up control and striving, that is where we are free to take steps forward without all the fear of failing. I’m in it with you, and hope that when we look back on our parenting journey, we will see that there was grace all throughout it.

Muted Colors

How have you weathered the last 12 months? If you are like me, you might have much to be thankful for in the way of health, housing, safety, etc. So you may feel like you are weathering well when all things are considered. Another way to phrase the question would be, how is your soul weathering the last 12 months? Do you feel like you are running on steam? Or that you do not have much left to offer at the end of the day? Is your sense of wonder diminished? I have felt these things slowly creeping up on me recently, and once I started to take a look at this past year through my personality’s core motivations and desires, I can see why my energy storage is left more than a little depleted.

Each of the nine main types of the Enneagram most likely have experienced things about this last year that have been challenging and soul draining. Add on top of it, being the parent of one or more teenagers, and you may very well be feeling as if you are in crisis. Here is the short list of stressors that could be chipping away at your soul in the last year –

• Family division over politics and Covid
• Long-term school closure
• Long-term church closure
• Parent/teen tension
• Work moved to home
• Financial stress
• Worry for divisions in the country
• Social media/news negativity
• Marital tension
• Essential worker stress
• Elderly family member care
• Lack of contact with friends/community
• Concerns for your teen’s mental health

Now if you think of your specific personality type, you can see how some of these stressors will be even more challenging for you. For myself, I can see that my 9, peacemaker type needs time and space to feel or create peaceful environments in order to re-energize. Some of the time needs to be spent alone with no agenda, but with most of our family doing work and school under the same roof throughout the last year, that has not happened a whole lot. Another type that may especially feel the effects of the whole family being home could be type twos. These types are like professional helpers and supporters, and with everyone being home, the boundaries can quickly blur, and one can feel unappreciated. For the type sevens who love spontaneity and fun, the long list of disappointments and seriousness of the world right now can weigh so heavy. Now, more than ever, it is crucial to set up boundaries and habits that will nurture your specific core longings. This will allow you to be present and keep perspective when connecting with your teen. We know they need you, especially during this time, to relate to them with understanding and hope. Many teens are really struggling to find joy in all of this.

If you are familiar with the descriptions of the different Enneagram types, it would be good to give some thought as to how the members of your family are processing their current reality. Here is a simple list of what each of the nine types longs to hear at the soul level. This can be helpful as you continue the process of nurturing each of the personality types within your family during uncertain times. I have used Beth & Jeff McCord’s book Becoming Us as a reference for these core longings.

Type 1 –           You are good.

Type 2 –           You are wanted and loved. You don’t have to give to earn my love.

Type 3 –           You are loved and valued for simply being you. You don’t have to earn my love.

Type 4 –           You are seen and loved for exactly who you are—special and unique.  

Type 5 –           Your needs are not a problem.  

 Type 6 –           You are safe and secure.

 Type 7 –           You will be taken care of.

 Type 8 –           You will not be betrayed.

 Type 9 –           Your presence matters.

 Even though we can’t really know our child or teen’s type until they reach adulthood, we can observe what type they operate in most of the time. When you keep this in mind, it can help you nurture them in a way that will speak to their unique motivations the most.  

 Hopefully things will turn toward a more normal rhythm for everyone, but if not, you can work to find your own unique way of caring for yourself and those in your home. There is not one right or wrong way, but there is a type of help that only you can bring to your situation. Continue to step into how God has uniquely wired you to be a parent to the teen in your home!

If this topic is one you would like to explore more, I would love to talk with you and work together to creat a plan for self-care as well as the care of those in your home. Contact me today for a free introductory chat!