A Beautiful Mess

“What made you feel stressed this week?”

This could be a good starter question for opening up a conversation with your teen. We can tend to forget that there is usually a lot going on just under the surface in the life of our teen (if you are the parent of a teen that talks less, texting may work better).

From the time I was 20, up to now in my 40’s, I have volunteered with teens in youth ministry. I have always been drawn to their crazy and often messy world, and have wanted to be something solid for them during those years. Teens today often look more put together and savvy than I did at 25, so it can be really easy to think that they have it all figured out. I have always loved the experience of taking kids to camp and being away from their normal environment, where they are able to dig down into themselves and talk about what they are experiencing in life. It has been the rare occasions like camp where I see young people let down their guard and get honest about how they are doing. This is where the mess gets brought to the surface, and out of it comes some of the most beautiful moments I have experienced. When the setting is safe, and teens know they will be met with grace, they will share.

Now that I have my own teens, I realize how much more difficult it is to have these moments between parent and child. I guess it may be the light we already see each other in that makes it hard to have a fresh view. But in this struggle, parents need to push through and display grace toward their teen, for when a young person knows they will be met with acceptance, they will let you see some of their mess. What is even more challenging, is for the parent to let their teen see some of their mess. Now I wouldn’t go crazy with this, but most of us parents err on the side of maintaining an appearance of having things figured out. As they grow, it is ok to let them in on some of your past mistakes (or current ones) and let them know about a regret that you have. Then you will become more human to them, and that will take your relationship to a place of open sharing. 

Teens right now have a very stressful reality. For the majority of teens, it is like they are marketing themselves starting at about 12 years old. By this I mean establishing a social media story, and this story needs to look impressive. Posting pieces of their lives and their experiences have become so second nature, that they actually feel worry if they have to be away from it for a few days. “What will happen to all of my followers?” Even if you have worked to maintain a healthy balance with your child between real life and the online world, they probably still experience stress at some level about how they are presenting themselves in their world. For many, this feeling of anxiety has been heightened throughout the last year of limited social contact. When face to face interaction goes down and virtual interaction goes up, it does not lead to confidence, but just the opposite.

Here are a few questions you can ask your teen when the setting is right, that may help set an atmosphere of grace.

• Do you feel that you can be open with me about things that are going on in your life?
• Am I helpful when you do let me know how you are doing, or am I critical?

                        (resist the urge to get defensive!)

• How can I be there for you when you are feeling stressed? 

When they do share their mess with you, relate to them, and walk to the foot of the cross together. That will create an atmosphere of grace in your home.