They Will Never Be Enough & That’s Ok

Whether it Is conscious or unconscious, we often think of our children as if they will complete us. Do you ever feel a nagging sense of disappointment when your son or daughter does not want to do the music lessons, soccer team, or honor society? We want so badly for our kids to be motivated to do all the things…grades, student government, sports & thrive at being social. Could some of our striving as parents come from a place of needing to measure up to the  parenting gold standard? If so, how does this play out for our kids?

 If we have an underlying feeling of dissatisfaction toward our kids, they will hear the message loud and clear. Teens are especially good at picking up on this. Sometimes, in order to place our kids on a ‘successful’ path, we take on the role of orchestrating their life for them. This is expected when they are little, but as they grow, it is important for them to feel more and more in control of the path they will take. When we hold on to control of their decisions and time, we end up setting our teens up for failure since they have not had to navigate It throughout childhood.

 There is actually freedom from the weight of striving to find the perfect path as a parent when we realize that our kids will never be enough, and likewise, we will never be enough to fill their needs. I am so grateful to have realized this truth years ago when my kids were young, in part through writers such as Elyse M. Fitzpatrick (her book Give Them Grace Is great for any parent). The only place I have found this freedom and rest is in the message of the gospel. Since I know that all people are flawed, and do not measure up (Romans 3:23) to his standard, I know that my kids will not be able to provide redemption or ultimate fulfillment for me. When Jesus lived a perfect life and went to the cross in my place I received the free gift of grace for all my shortcomings. When I look at my teens through this filter, I am able to extend that grace to them in their shortcomings.

 Yes, my kids will let me down, and I will let them down, but It Is so freeing to kill that ultimate need for parenting success with the grace Jesus has given me. This allows me to look at my teens and enjoy them in all their messiness as they struggle to figure out life. Does this mean the parenting journey will not involve pain? No, it still hurts deeply when they make decisions that go against our desires for them. In the end, my love for them can still be communicated throughout their stumbling, and they are free to fail while I take my pain and concerns to God In prayer. The next time your teen lets you down (they will), ask God to help you to reflect his love for them instead of letting it define your success as a parent.