Muted Colors

How have you weathered the last 12 months? If you are like me, you might have much to be thankful for in the way of health, housing, safety, etc. So you may feel like you are weathering well when all things are considered. Another way to phrase the question would be, how is your soul weathering the last 12 months? Do you feel like you are running on steam? Or that you do not have much left to offer at the end of the day? Is your sense of wonder diminished? I have felt these things slowly creeping up on me recently, and once I started to take a look at this past year through my personality’s core motivations and desires, I can see why my energy storage is left more than a little depleted.

Each of the nine main types of the Enneagram most likely have experienced things about this last year that have been challenging and soul draining. Add on top of it, being the parent of one or more teenagers, and you may very well be feeling as if you are in crisis. Here is the short list of stressors that could be chipping away at your soul in the last year –

• Family division over politics and Covid
• Long-term school closure
• Long-term church closure
• Parent/teen tension
• Work moved to home
• Financial stress
• Worry for divisions in the country
• Social media/news negativity
• Marital tension
• Essential worker stress
• Elderly family member care
• Lack of contact with friends/community
• Concerns for your teen’s mental health

Now if you think of your specific personality type, you can see how some of these stressors will be even more challenging for you. For myself, I can see that my 9, peacemaker type needs time and space to feel or create peaceful environments in order to re-energize. Some of the time needs to be spent alone with no agenda, but with most of our family doing work and school under the same roof throughout the last year, that has not happened a whole lot. Another type that may especially feel the effects of the whole family being home could be type twos. These types are like professional helpers and supporters, and with everyone being home, the boundaries can quickly blur, and one can feel unappreciated. For the type sevens who love spontaneity and fun, the long list of disappointments and seriousness of the world right now can weigh so heavy. Now, more than ever, it is crucial to set up boundaries and habits that will nurture your specific core longings. This will allow you to be present and keep perspective when connecting with your teen. We know they need you, especially during this time, to relate to them with understanding and hope. Many teens are really struggling to find joy in all of this.

If you are familiar with the descriptions of the different Enneagram types, it would be good to give some thought as to how the members of your family are processing their current reality. Here is a simple list of what each of the nine types longs to hear at the soul level. This can be helpful as you continue the process of nurturing each of the personality types within your family during uncertain times. I have used Beth & Jeff McCord’s book Becoming Us as a reference for these core longings.

Type 1 –           You are good.

Type 2 –           You are wanted and loved. You don’t have to give to earn my love.

Type 3 –           You are loved and valued for simply being you. You don’t have to earn my love.

Type 4 –           You are seen and loved for exactly who you are—special and unique.  

Type 5 –           Your needs are not a problem.  

 Type 6 –           You are safe and secure.

 Type 7 –           You will be taken care of.

 Type 8 –           You will not be betrayed.

 Type 9 –           Your presence matters.

 Even though we can’t really know our child or teen’s type until they reach adulthood, we can observe what type they operate in most of the time. When you keep this in mind, it can help you nurture them in a way that will speak to their unique motivations the most.  

 Hopefully things will turn toward a more normal rhythm for everyone, but if not, you can work to find your own unique way of caring for yourself and those in your home. There is not one right or wrong way, but there is a type of help that only you can bring to your situation. Continue to step into how God has uniquely wired you to be a parent to the teen in your home!

If this topic is one you would like to explore more, I would love to talk with you and work together to creat a plan for self-care as well as the care of those in your home. Contact me today for a free introductory chat!

Another Failed Attempt

If you are like the majority of families with tweens and teens, you know the feeling of coming up with a new system to manage screen time only to have it fail within weeks or days. We are parenting a generation that is growing up with world-changing technology that we did not have when we were kids. Intuitive tech devices are easy to use and are everywhere we go. There is no example from previous generations of how to best bring our children up in this environment, but the picture is beginning to come into focus as we put research together with experiences of those around us. Andy Crouch, the author of The Tech-Wise Family, has his young adult daughter write the forward for his book. What she writes is a first-hand testimony of the gift we give our kids when we are intentional with boundaries on devices. She writes –

“Technology promises that it can provide wonder. Take a picture with the proper filters and you’ll be awestruck—it will look better than real life! But this promise is deceptive. My iphone’s wonder generators, from Instagram to Temple Run, turn out to be only distractions from the things that really spark wonder. Thanks to tech-wise-parenting, I’ve discovered a world out there that is better than anything technology can offer—as close as our front lawn.”

 If you are like me, it is easy to feel like you have not done enough to protect this type of wonder in the lives of your kids, but we need to remember not to use realizations like this to shame ourselves. Wherever each of us can begin to pull our young adults with us while we recapture our own sense of wonder will go a long way to show them its value. When we feel that it may be too late since our kids are teens and technology is already intertwined with seemingly every area of their lives. This is not cause for giving up. Our teens watch us, and our patterns of life, so the first place to work this out is in your own rhythms. Once you set out in this direction and you invite your teen to join you in bringing the wonder of creating and nature back into your life, you might be surprised how ready they are to join you! Don’t underestimate the power of your influence just because it looks different now than it did when they were younger. I would love to encourage you and help determine your next steps as you make this shift in your home. Let’s get started!

They Will Never Be Enough & That’s Ok

Whether it Is conscious or unconscious, we often think of our children as if they will complete us. Do you ever feel a nagging sense of disappointment when your son or daughter does not want to do the music lessons, soccer team, or honor society? We want so badly for our kids to be motivated to do all the things…grades, student government, sports & thrive at being social. Could some of our striving as parents come from a place of needing to measure up to the  parenting gold standard? If so, how does this play out for our kids?

 If we have an underlying feeling of dissatisfaction toward our kids, they will hear the message loud and clear. Teens are especially good at picking up on this. Sometimes, in order to place our kids on a ‘successful’ path, we take on the role of orchestrating their life for them. This is expected when they are little, but as they grow, it is important for them to feel more and more in control of the path they will take. When we hold on to control of their decisions and time, we end up setting our teens up for failure since they have not had to navigate It throughout childhood.

 There is actually freedom from the weight of striving to find the perfect path as a parent when we realize that our kids will never be enough, and likewise, we will never be enough to fill their needs. I am so grateful to have realized this truth years ago when my kids were young, in part through writers such as Elyse M. Fitzpatrick (her book Give Them Grace Is great for any parent). The only place I have found this freedom and rest is in the message of the gospel. Since I know that all people are flawed, and do not measure up (Romans 3:23) to his standard, I know that my kids will not be able to provide redemption or ultimate fulfillment for me. When Jesus lived a perfect life and went to the cross in my place I received the free gift of grace for all my shortcomings. When I look at my teens through this filter, I am able to extend that grace to them in their shortcomings.

 Yes, my kids will let me down, and I will let them down, but It Is so freeing to kill that ultimate need for parenting success with the grace Jesus has given me. This allows me to look at my teens and enjoy them in all their messiness as they struggle to figure out life. Does this mean the parenting journey will not involve pain? No, it still hurts deeply when they make decisions that go against our desires for them. In the end, my love for them can still be communicated throughout their stumbling, and they are free to fail while I take my pain and concerns to God In prayer. The next time your teen lets you down (they will), ask God to help you to reflect his love for them instead of letting it define your success as a parent.